To The One Who…

…I never gave a chance because I couldn’t let my insecurities allow me to give myself a chance because I was afraid. I was afraid of all the “what if’s” that go on inside my own mind.

I write this, and honestly I’m not even sure if there would’ve or even could’ve been an “us”, but I feel at one time all the cards lined up to where that was a strong possibility. With everyone we know pulling for it, whether you knew that or not. I did like you, a lot. We’ve been friends for years. Your smile always made my day when I do see you, it still does. I’m thankful for our friendship we do have still. I admired you from afar for so long, yet I was closer than you thought. And I couldn’t allow myself the chance to give “us” a chance. Do I regret it? Yes, but I know that you’re happy with the person you’re with now. I can legitimately say that I’m happy for you about that, too.

I write this not because I’m sad. On the contrary, I’m still glad to see you and hang out with you when we can. You’re wonderful. You’re beautiful. Most importantly, you’re happy. That makes me happy knowing that. I’m writing this to let you know I admire you, I always have. Since day one.

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this. If you do, you may or may not even know this is about you. But I wanted to find a way to express my emotions to you. This is the only way at this point to express that to you.

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Should I Date Again?

“Should I date again?”

This is the question that has been floating around in my mind as of late. I decided that earlier this year I no longer had an interest in wanting to date or get married. And for the most part, that is still true.

Honestly, the way I feel this way is because I’ve never had good luck with dating. And even if I started to have good luck my insecurities would get the best of me and I’d back out of it with whoever I would be talking to and retreat. It’s just what I’ve done ever since my last breakup. I’ve built this huge brick wall all around my heart and can’t seem to break it down to give anyone a chance anymore.

I feel lately part of the reason I wouldn’t mind dating again is partly due to loneliness. The other part would be to have someone whom I can be my full self with and she can be her full self with also. I want someone who I can talk to and truly be there for me as I would be for her. With every passing year I doubt I would find someone like this. Those are some of the pro’s. The con’s are these days cheating and divorce are so common that I’m afraid (yes, afraid) of giving someone my all just to have one of those (or possibly both) happen to me in the long run if I were to meet someone. I feel I would never allow myself to ever date again if something drastic like that were to happen.

I feel even as I write this and try to figure out if I should allow myself to date again, it’s a small portion of me that wants to. The majority still wants to just remain single and just have fun while I can. I feel I know this answer already, but can’t seem to help but have this question run through my mind still.

On that note, thanks for reading. This is just a place for me to get what’s on my mind out there in a way I feel best.

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My Thoughts: Depression

Today, I’m going to talk about depression. I’ll take you into a little bit of my struggles with it and how I’m coping with it these days.

Now, I’ve gone through two different spells of depression both lasting about 2-3 years each. The first was during high school and post high school for a little while. The second was after my last breakup a few years back. My depression will come in small waves here and there but I feel for the most part I have it as under control as I can.

The first spell started because I was unpopular in high school. I was on the football team and all, but I wasn’t popular one bit. I wanted to go to the parties and get laid and never did or could. I was never invited to one party during high school and that took it’s toll on me. I wanted to move away from that small town and ultimately I made that decision to about a year after high school and have only been back twice since. To me, if I never go back to that town again it wouldn’t bother me one bit.

Now, the second spell happened after a breakup. A few days after I told the first woman that I was with that I loved her and she broke up with me a few days later. I don’t just throw that out there unless I mean it. Looking back now, I wish I hadn’t, but I did. I ended up learning and growing from that but it has (and still does) make me very hesitant about entering into another relationship again. So, that started this second spell which I was getting over in 2014 when another close friend of mine basically lead me on thinking I had a chance with her for her to ultimately leave me hanging for another guy (whom she married). That was another bad blow to me, though we were never together, we had been pretty tight friends for years and for that to happen really sucked.

Now, I’m not throwing a pity party for myself. I’m just saying this to set up why I had depression. I tend to harbor on things like these way longer than I should. And on top of that, I had other shit piling up too, so that didn’t help. I was very lonely during these two times. That also had a lot to do with it. Thankfully I did see a Counselor the second time and talk to my friends about it which helped me ultimately get through it in time. I’m also now making myself first priority and protecting myself more than anything and building myself up the best way I can to get through this difficult world.

I say all of this to say that if you’re dealing with depression, it’s ok to get help. When I went to see a Counselor that was one of the best things I could’ve done for myself. It was a decision that I’m not ashamed of one bit. It was awkward at first but it gets easier talking to someone over time. If you need help, get it. Don’t be afraid to.

That’s all I have for now. I hope everyone has a great day and week.

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My Thoughts: Generic Inspiration

So, I want to talk about generic inspiration on here. What I’m referring to by this is when I’m scrolling on my timeline and see where someone will post a blanket statement saying something along the lines of “You mean something. You are important and valuable, don’t forget it.” Now, don’t get me wrong. I won’t question the person’s heart because I feel that person does mean well.

My issue with this is that it doesn’t carry any meaning, at least for me anyway. When someone tells me something inspirational to me personally is where I feel it has most value. Where it feels like that person actually cares because they’re telling me face to face, or through a direct message or in a form of a note. A blanket inspiration may affect someone positively, and if so that’s awesome. But to me it has so much more meaning when I’m told personally rather than as a blanket statement is what I’m trying to get at.

At the end of the day this is just my personal opinion. I’m not speaking for a majority on this, just for myself. I’d prefer someone saying something inspiration directly towards me as opposed to it being a blanket post because I can just keep scrolling and it won’t tug at my heartstrings like a personal post or talk with someone.

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My Thoughts: The Cost of Living Keeps Rising

https://www.edq.com/data-quality-infographics/cost-of-living-in-america/

I’ve attached a link up at the top. It’s take some of the biggest cities in each state and gives a breakdown of the average cost it takes to live in each city. What you’ll want to do is once on the site click on the large graph (you can’t miss it) and it’ll give you the option to zoom in on each city. Follow the directions at the top to understand better the graph.

Now, after explaining that I want to talk about something that is affecting a lot of people here in America. It’s the cost of living. It seems like more and more people aren’t able to move out and begin their own life because wages aren’t keeping up with the cost of living these days. And it really, really sucks.

I’ve been recommended to finish college. Which I wouldn’t mind but it costs so much and I’m not that great at school. I have ADHD (diagnosed in 3rd grade with it). So I become distracted super easily and will lose interest in being in a class after maybe 20 minutes. I’m not trying to make any excuses, but school has always been difficult for me. I mean in 5th grade without medication I was a C and F student. With medication that year I made A’s, B’s and a few C’s. I also know I can get help for school but I don’t want to risk taking loans just to pay them back and possibly never finish school.

Also, it seems more difficult for anyone to land a job without “experience”. I hate this fucking excuse. No one seems to want to train anyone anymore. They either hope the person has this certain amount of experience or some sort of school. Not everyone is made for school or has the luxury to have that training. So, it’s frustrating to see a job that I could be good at but they won’t hire me because I don’t have “experience”. How about you stop being fucking lazy and train the person. They could be one of your best assets and you’ll pass by them because lack of “experience”. Fuck outta her with that.

Ok, now that I chased that rabbit trail, back on topic. The cost of living seems to only be rising these days. It sucks. If you’re trying to make it on your own these days it seems to only be harder than ever. There are more things to have to pay for than ever before. It just sucks. There are people working 2 or 3 jobs just to try to make ends meet. That’s ridiculous! 3 jobs?! Come on now! The cost of living doesn’t need to be this high. This is ridiculous. Everyone deserves to have the opportunity to live on their own but that seems to be in the rearview mirror these days and it’s sad. Really sad. I hate it and I wish it would change.

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My Thoughts: Dating

Another fun topic to discuss today is dating. I hate how dating is in today’s world. So much so in fact that I’d be content to never date again (or get married for that matter).

Why do I hate dating? For me, all I seem to experience out of it is pain. I’m tired of it. I’m also tired of always assuming the worst when I do date someone. I’m someone who thinks ahead and thinks “what if?” when it comes to this area because it is an area of uncertainty and fear. A fear that I don’t want to confront. Now there will be a time where I will have to confront this fear and tear down this wall that I have all around my heart. But in the mean time I don’t want to do that.

These days it’s so difficult to even find a date. I used to try so many different dating sites and all of them lead to rejection. I think in my 7 years on and off dating sites I managed to land 3 dates in total. It’s just frustrating. It’s just tiring.

Now, I want to share with everyone some things to look out for when dating.

  1. Don’t think with heart. Think with your head. Don’t just be with someone because they’re good in bed. That’s nice and all, but if their personality sucks you’re going to be so unhappy and ultimately sex won’t even be an option.
  2. Don’t continue seeing someone who isn’t interested in getting to know you. What I mean is if you’re trying to get to know someone and you’re asking and asking and asking and the other person doesn’t want to ask about you OR if you try to tell them about your day or something going on in your day and they immediately go to talking about themselves without thought or care MOVE ON.
  3. Look out for yourself most importantly. If the person you are seeing isn’t someone you want to keep seeing then let that person know immediately. Rejection sucks but leading someone on making them think that there is a chance when you’ve already checked out only hurts them more in the long run.

So, those are some tips I have. Hopefully they help. Think smart when it comes to dating and be careful most importantly. Look out for yourself.

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My Thoughts: Church

Ah yes, a topic that can cause some controversy and stir the pot a little. Yes, I will be discussing my thoughts on the church today and how I really feel.

I’m going to jump right into things here. First and foremost I do believe in God. But as for the church currently? I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. The past couple of churches I’ve been to have had some serious splits and issues. The one I’m at now (which I won’t be there much longer) the Pastor has done a lot of good but the older members seem to wanna run him out and have essentially done that. Which is a shame, but hey they got what they want so they’re probably happy for it. The other church I was at the Pastor had way too much control and essentially ran everyone else off.

I’ve seen this happen twice now and essentially I’m just done with church. I don’t see many churches any more trying to do “the will of God” as so as their doing the will of themselves. Now, not all. This isn’t a full on church bash post as much as me releasing some of my frustrations through this outlet I have here.

Now, in my time at these two different churches I have meet some great people who have become great friends. I’ve also seen these people reach out to do better and seek God, that’s awesome. Those people I admire. And of course, like anywhere else there are also sheep’s in wolves clothing there too.

If you’re reading this you’re probably surprised because chances are you see my tweets and you wouldn’t think I go to church sometimes, and that’s ok because I don’t really portray that. I have to say, a few years back church and God was huge in my life but as life has gone on I’ve seen things go down at churches and in my own life. I’ve been reflecting as to whether this is something worth pursuing or attending and honestly, once I’m done at this church here I’ll probably take quite a break from attending church. I get tired of trying to attend new and different churches and get the vibe that most are fake or possibly judging me. I’ll just do me.

Like I said earlier, I still believe in God. But I’m not that person that will pursue Him like some others will. I’m just going to live my life and do the best that I can. Plus, I don’t feel like I’m being real when I seek Him. I feel like I’m playing some character that isn’t me. I don’t want to do that. I want to be me. The ridiculous person that isn’t afraid to be himself despite what others say.

So, all in all these are my thoughts and frustrations. Have a good day and keep on the look out for more blogs in the future.

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