Faith and Life

Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

I have to be honest, I’m probably not the best fit to be talking about this subject considering I probably don’t have the greatest of faith. But, it’s something none the less I do want to speak on and improve on in my life.

I want to start off by saying that I do have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I came to know Him on June 19, 2011 which coincidentally was Father’s Day that year. I was in service and had previously felt something in my heart the week prior to go up to the front and accept the invitation at the end of the service, but I didn’t. So the next weekend (June 19, 2011) during the invitation I again felt that same something in my heart to go up and accept the invitation, that time I did. That day I became a child of God.

When I first accepted Him I was excited and nervous because I didn’t necessarily know what to do. I had been attending my church about a year at this point and was involved, so I knew to keep going but besides that I had to figure out how to fully have a relationship with God. All I knew at the time was to read my Bible and pray. So I did that.

I’m going to fast forward a little bit here. About a year in a half after this I had my first real conflict. My girlfriend at the time ended things with me. I had truly felt that God wanted us together but when I look back I see that wasn’t the case. More so, I was just following my emotions. But at the time, I was devastated. I fell into quite a depression that Spring and I wanted out of this place for a little while, so I decided to sign back up to work at the summer camp that I previously worked at then ultimately decided to stay and work there that fall semester. I did it because I wasn’t quite ready to return to this city.

I say all this because ever since the start of 2013 when the breakup occured I’ve been dealing with depression on and off. It starts with being lonely, followed by depression and ultimately the thoughts of feeling suicidal. And just to specify, no I won’t ever follow through with that. But I have felt them on a couple of occasions these last few years. Ultimately during all of this time I have fallen in and out of relationship with God. I guess I felt when I would try to seek Him that He would instantly heal me if I were to pray that everyday. Note, I’m not a patient person. Also, when one little thing went wrong I would act like He wasn’t there or cared. I was just tired of bad things always happening. So ultimately, I’d just fall away again.

I’ve been on and off with Him these last few years and I’ve recently realized that’s because of me and how I wish things would go instead of ultimately having faith that He would lead and guide me and my life. I wanted instant gratification instead of realizing these things I wanted and prayed for takes time and it isn’t on my own time. I’d be wrong to say that I don’t still get mad at Him, after all I’m human and imperfect that’s why Christ sacrificed His life that through Him we can be cleansed in God’s eyes.

I say all this because I need to have better faith in Him. Not a short time faith, but a faith that lasts long term. I know how I am when I’m after God and when I’m distant. And honestly, I’m an asshole when I’m away from Him. When I’m close to Him I’m a completely different person, and that’s all thanks to Him. I want to be a man with a strong faith in God. Not a guy who tries to chase women to get some brief pleasure that ultimately leads me to feeling even more empty inside and unhappy. But a man who has a purpose in life because I have God.

I’m tired of chasing the world and what if has to offer. I want to chase God. I want to have a strong faith. I want to be a man who when people look at me see that a major change has taken place. I hope that is the case.

And my hope is that if you have faith, don’t give it up for the world. It isn’t worth it. And if you don’t have faith and ever want to talk about that, feel free to message me or someone you know who does have a strong faith. Have a good night and God bless everyone.

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Better to be Single?

This is a question that I ask myself on a regular basis. I’m so back and forth on this topic of whether I should be single or finally find someone and settle down.

First off, I should state that I’m human, obviously. So as much as I would like to just be single and not deal with relationship drama or the dealings of a relationship, I still want companionship. There are a lot of days where I go lonely and do wish I had someone to come home to after a long day of work and talk to and cuddle with when I fall asleep.

Then I continue to think about it and wonder even if I did have someone, would they consider cheating or leaving me? Or how many guys would they be talking to on the side while with me? Or if there are important things in their life that they kept from me for so long. And before I continue, yes, I do have trust issues. I also have an idea of how things work this day in age. I’m not saying all women (or people depending on who is reading this and who they like) but I have an idea to know that women have thirsty guys almost always trying and seeing what they can get. And who knows, maybe if I am in a relationship where it stagnates then maybe she will entertain other guys messages? These are things that I do worry about if I am pursuing someone.

Now, once again, I know not everyone is like this. But I’m trying to give you an idea of what goes on in my brain and why I’m hesitant about entering into another relationship. With the emergence of phones and social media one can entertain these things and the other person in the relationship not ever know it’s going on. And that’s especially the case with Snapchat and the option it has to just chat and you exit the conversation and enter back and the conversation is gone (unless you save the messages each time).

So, I just thought I’d share what’s been on my mind in regards to this and perhaps give you a better idea of how my brain works in regards to this topic.

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Should I Date Again?

“Should I date again?”

This is the question that has been floating around in my mind as of late. I decided that earlier this year I no longer had an interest in wanting to date or get married. And for the most part, that is still true.

Honestly, the way I feel this way is because I’ve never had good luck with dating. And even if I started to have good luck my insecurities would get the best of me and I’d back out of it with whoever I would be talking to and retreat. It’s just what I’ve done ever since my last breakup. I’ve built this huge brick wall all around my heart and can’t seem to break it down to give anyone a chance anymore.

I feel lately part of the reason I wouldn’t mind dating again is partly due to loneliness. The other part would be to have someone whom I can be my full self with and she can be her full self with also. I want someone who I can talk to and truly be there for me as I would be for her. With every passing year I doubt I would find someone like this. Those are some of the pro’s. The con’s are these days cheating and divorce are so common that I’m afraid (yes, afraid) of giving someone my all just to have one of those (or possibly both) happen to me in the long run if I were to meet someone. I feel I would never allow myself to ever date again if something drastic like that were to happen.

I feel even as I write this and try to figure out if I should allow myself to date again, it’s a small portion of me that wants to. The majority still wants to just remain single and just have fun while I can. I feel I know this answer already, but can’t seem to help but have this question run through my mind still.

On that note, thanks for reading. This is just a place for me to get what’s on my mind out there in a way I feel best.

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My Thoughts: Depression

Today, I’m going to talk about depression. I’ll take you into a little bit of my struggles with it and how I’m coping with it these days.

Now, I’ve gone through two different spells of depression both lasting about 2-3 years each. The first was during high school and post high school for a little while. The second was after my last breakup a few years back. My depression will come in small waves here and there but I feel for the most part I have it as under control as I can.

The first spell started because I was unpopular in high school. I was on the football team and all, but I wasn’t popular one bit. I wanted to go to the parties and get laid and never did or could. I was never invited to one party during high school and that took it’s toll on me. I wanted to move away from that small town and ultimately I made that decision to about a year after high school and have only been back twice since. To me, if I never go back to that town again it wouldn’t bother me one bit.

Now, the second spell happened after a breakup. A few days after I told the first woman that I was with that I loved her and she broke up with me a few days later. I don’t just throw that out there unless I mean it. Looking back now, I wish I hadn’t, but I did. I ended up learning and growing from that but it has (and still does) make me very hesitant about entering into another relationship again. So, that started this second spell which I was getting over in 2014 when another close friend of mine basically lead me on thinking I had a chance with her for her to ultimately leave me hanging for another guy (whom she married). That was another bad blow to me, though we were never together, we had been pretty tight friends for years and for that to happen really sucked.

Now, I’m not throwing a pity party for myself. I’m just saying this to set up why I had depression. I tend to harbor on things like these way longer than I should. And on top of that, I had other shit piling up too, so that didn’t help. I was very lonely during these two times. That also had a lot to do with it. Thankfully I did see a Counselor the second time and talk to my friends about it which helped me ultimately get through it in time. I’m also now making myself first priority and protecting myself more than anything and building myself up the best way I can to get through this difficult world.

I say all of this to say that if you’re dealing with depression, it’s ok to get help. When I went to see a Counselor that was one of the best things I could’ve done for myself. It was a decision that I’m not ashamed of one bit. It was awkward at first but it gets easier talking to someone over time. If you need help, get it. Don’t be afraid to.

That’s all I have for now. I hope everyone has a great day and week.

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My Thoughts: Generic Inspiration

So, I want to talk about generic inspiration on here. What I’m referring to by this is when I’m scrolling on my timeline and see where someone will post a blanket statement saying something along the lines of “You mean something. You are important and valuable, don’t forget it.” Now, don’t get me wrong. I won’t question the person’s heart because I feel that person does mean well.

My issue with this is that it doesn’t carry any meaning, at least for me anyway. When someone tells me something inspirational to me personally is where I feel it has most value. Where it feels like that person actually cares because they’re telling me face to face, or through a direct message or in a form of a note. A blanket inspiration may affect someone positively, and if so that’s awesome. But to me it has so much more meaning when I’m told personally rather than as a blanket statement is what I’m trying to get at.

At the end of the day this is just my personal opinion. I’m not speaking for a majority on this, just for myself. I’d prefer someone saying something inspiration directly towards me as opposed to it being a blanket post because I can just keep scrolling and it won’t tug at my heartstrings like a personal post or talk with someone.

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My Thoughts: The Cost of Living Keeps Rising

https://www.edq.com/data-quality-infographics/cost-of-living-in-america/

I’ve attached a link up at the top. It’s take some of the biggest cities in each state and gives a breakdown of the average cost it takes to live in each city. What you’ll want to do is once on the site click on the large graph (you can’t miss it) and it’ll give you the option to zoom in on each city. Follow the directions at the top to understand better the graph.

Now, after explaining that I want to talk about something that is affecting a lot of people here in America. It’s the cost of living. It seems like more and more people aren’t able to move out and begin their own life because wages aren’t keeping up with the cost of living these days. And it really, really sucks.

I’ve been recommended to finish college. Which I wouldn’t mind but it costs so much and I’m not that great at school. I have ADHD (diagnosed in 3rd grade with it). So I become distracted super easily and will lose interest in being in a class after maybe 20 minutes. I’m not trying to make any excuses, but school has always been difficult for me. I mean in 5th grade without medication I was a C and F student. With medication that year I made A’s, B’s and a few C’s. I also know I can get help for school but I don’t want to risk taking loans just to pay them back and possibly never finish school.

Also, it seems more difficult for anyone to land a job without “experience”. I hate this fucking excuse. No one seems to want to train anyone anymore. They either hope the person has this certain amount of experience or some sort of school. Not everyone is made for school or has the luxury to have that training. So, it’s frustrating to see a job that I could be good at but they won’t hire me because I don’t have “experience”. How about you stop being fucking lazy and train the person. They could be one of your best assets and you’ll pass by them because lack of “experience”. Fuck outta her with that.

Ok, now that I chased that rabbit trail, back on topic. The cost of living seems to only be rising these days. It sucks. If you’re trying to make it on your own these days it seems to only be harder than ever. There are more things to have to pay for than ever before. It just sucks. There are people working 2 or 3 jobs just to try to make ends meet. That’s ridiculous! 3 jobs?! Come on now! The cost of living doesn’t need to be this high. This is ridiculous. Everyone deserves to have the opportunity to live on their own but that seems to be in the rearview mirror these days and it’s sad. Really sad. I hate it and I wish it would change.

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My Thoughts: Dating

Another fun topic to discuss today is dating. I hate how dating is in today’s world. So much so in fact that I’d be content to never date again (or get married for that matter).

Why do I hate dating? For me, all I seem to experience out of it is pain. I’m tired of it. I’m also tired of always assuming the worst when I do date someone. I’m someone who thinks ahead and thinks “what if?” when it comes to this area because it is an area of uncertainty and fear. A fear that I don’t want to confront. Now there will be a time where I will have to confront this fear and tear down this wall that I have all around my heart. But in the mean time I don’t want to do that.

These days it’s so difficult to even find a date. I used to try so many different dating sites and all of them lead to rejection. I think in my 7 years on and off dating sites I managed to land 3 dates in total. It’s just frustrating. It’s just tiring.

Now, I want to share with everyone some things to look out for when dating.

  1. Don’t think with heart. Think with your head. Don’t just be with someone because they’re good in bed. That’s nice and all, but if their personality sucks you’re going to be so unhappy and ultimately sex won’t even be an option.
  2. Don’t continue seeing someone who isn’t interested in getting to know you. What I mean is if you’re trying to get to know someone and you’re asking and asking and asking and the other person doesn’t want to ask about you OR if you try to tell them about your day or something going on in your day and they immediately go to talking about themselves without thought or care MOVE ON.
  3. Look out for yourself most importantly. If the person you are seeing isn’t someone you want to keep seeing then let that person know immediately. Rejection sucks but leading someone on making them think that there is a chance when you’ve already checked out only hurts them more in the long run.

So, those are some tips I have. Hopefully they help. Think smart when it comes to dating and be careful most importantly. Look out for yourself.

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